Hurting On The Inside
by I Tear Paper For Fun
Summary: Jade finally wants Tori, but what does Tori think about that? Tiny hint of romance, but mostly drama Jori. Rated M for swearing.


**A/N: Just thinking up stuff now. Who knows if it'll keep up and I'll update my other works. Eh, going with the flow now.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own vicTORious© or its characters. It is the sole property of Dan Schneider and Nickelodeon™.**

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We've come a long way, Jade and I, but we still have a long, winding road ahead of us. When I first started at Hollywood Arts, she made it her life's mission to drive me crazy. Jade went to great lengths to have three pints of my blood taken from me, poured coffee on my head, threatened me with scissors and more on many occasions, and borderline mentally abused me.

But somewhere along the way, that all stopped. I mean, not entirely. Every now and then she messes with me, and every time she does I'm reminded of an elementary bully that secretly has a big time crush on the victim.

I know. I know all about Jade's little game, but I can't say that I want to play anymore. I'm not the only one who's noticed that she has a crush on me. Pretty much everyone in our little group of friends knows this. Cat has tried her best to pair me with Jade because she thinks we look so cute together as a couple, but I'm long past the point where I'd want to be called Jade West's girlfriend, or anyone's girlfriend for that matter.

We're just friends. That was my main goal since day one, and consider it accomplished. She doesn't pretend to gag anymore whenever it's just me and her left alone anywhere; she even initiates hugs from me now too. We'll go shopping together sometimes, or go out to eat or catch a movie, but she wouldn't be her if she didn't throw in an insult, just to make sure our dynamic isn't off balance.

Want to know what bothers me though? For the longest time, I could tell she was debating with herself on whether or not to act on her feelings towards me. The times we were alone, our conversations would flow into a comfortable rhythm and we'd laugh about whatever, or get into serious but non-confrontational talks and the look that'd be in her eyes said it all—she _wanted_ me, and I could just feel it in the air between us, and I wanted her too, but if we even came close to being intimate she'd pull away.

Then there was the smart-ass remark afterward to break the sexual tension. She'd say I looked like a doe-eyed fool that stared too much, and it made her want to punch me in the face. So I backed off. And it'd be a while before that cycle repeated itself.

But that's what I was tired of. I didn't want to be jerked around like that, especially given the history of my failed relationships with guys like Ryder and Steven; there were guys that I just failed to have anything real with at Sherwood as well.

Did you know Jade is also the reason I haven't had a proper date lately? Either she doesn't know I know or she doesn't care, but I knew she was behind everything with the guys I'd try to talk to.

I have needs, yes. I want release, but I can't seem to have that because there's a highly illogical girl—seemingly stalking me—whom believes that if she can't have me, no one can. It's so unfair! All of them, too afraid to approach me because of the stories they've heard of the others who've asked me out. It's rumored that I'm cursed, all thanks to Jade.

I'm so angry sometimes because my life would be different had I not come to Hollywood Arts. Would I be madly in love and still be with some dude right about now? Probably not, and I gave up on that possibility a long time ago, but at least I wouldn't have this pent up aggression and sexual appetite, especially for someone that frustrated me and held my interest and vice versa, but didn't want to do anything about it.

But then one day, out of nowhere, she does the unexpected; something so random and off-putting that when it took me by surprise it almost knocked the wind out of me.

She kissed me. Then she told me how she felt and how she wanted to try being with me.

But I couldn't. I was so far done with trying to have a relationship, my answer was no.

That was about two months ago. And she's tried a handful of other times to change my mind, none of them worked.

And after what happened last night, I could've slapped myself. That's why I'm still on a very much-heated rant. This time, it wasn't Jade's fault, but my own…

My friends were over my house and we played card games like we tend to do. I'd feel her eyes on me, and it made me so sick. My sickness was always there, staring me in the face. Sometimes I wanted to just shake her and scream in her face what her problem was. Why did she love to torment me this way? Would she ever stop? We may be friends, but she's buried herself so deep into me, we've connected and I couldn't make her disappear even if I wanted her to.

The friendship we have is so screwed up. One minute I want her around, the next I want her to go back to the way she was when we first met, or before we ever met. Would that make my life better?

My answer is screwed up too. I want her, then again I don't.

Beck, Cat, André, and Robbie had left some time ago, and Jade decided that she'd stay behind to watch some TV with me. The volume was rather low; neither of us paid much attention to what was on anyway. I was getting tired so I made my way up the stairs to my room, thinking that Jade would eventually get tired herself and go home.

But this was the part of my life that was shitty, so things weren't going to go my way.

I hadn't realized at first, but she followed me to my room, and shut the door softly behind her. I wasn't too shocked to find her there with me, but I wasn't too keen on really saying much to her. I opened my window to let the night breeze in and stayed there, my back to her, absentmindedly playing with the charm of my necklace.

"I wanted to sleep with you," she said. Her voice sounded small, like she was a frail, heartsick woman.

"What do you mean, Jade?"

"I want you, Tori."

I sighed heavily, "We've been through this. I don't want anything from you. Now please, go home."

"I lo—…"

She stopped herself, but I knew what she was going to say. A part of me wanted to cry. Because if this was at least four months ago, I would've run to her like it were a cliché movie and kissed her hard, and admitted that I loved her, admitted that all I ever wanted was to be with her.

Because I did. I'm in love with Jade, I really am, but I was screwed over so many times. The way I see things now, it didn't matter if two people were in love. Sometimes, it's just not meant to be. I've been hurt, and Jade—my twisted friend—hurts me, we could never do this. So it's best not to make anything out of it. That way, no one can get hurt any more than they already have.

If that sounded fucked up, then alright. Oh well, move along.

I didn't respond to her near confession of love, because I couldn't allow myself to feel love anymore, all I felt was the need for release.

"…You wanted to sleep with me…and nothing more?" I said, more like a statement than a question, my voice was low; one might have even detected the small amount of lust behind it.

I looked at her for the first time in a few moments, she seemed unsure of an answer, until she finally said, "Yes. Nothing more."

I knew she was lying. She couldn't mask the hurt in her eyes behind the blank expression she was trying to keep up. But something told me that if I gave her what she wanted—and what I _needed_ —then she'd leave me alone. Maybe my friend would still be there, but the person that always made attempts to coax something out of me, would finally let me go. It was a stretch.

Maybe I'd regret it in the morning, maybe I wouldn't, but right then I only cared about one thing.

I took long strides to meet her at my door, and my lips crashed against hers. I was in no mood to take things slowly, in no mood to make love, just the carnal desire to fuck.

For once, I was in control. I wasn't about to let Jade think otherwise, and from the looks of it, she wasn't objecting. I had her pinned underneath me on my bed, clothes already ripped off as she tried relieving me of my own clothes.

There were no more barriers between us, and I growled in satisfaction at that fact. All the frustration that welled up within me had finally been brought to the surface as I mercilessly attacked her body. My mind seemed cloudy and natural urges took over, there was no thinking about anything. Her body was so flushed against mine, and when she moaned in my ear and grabbed hold of my back and neck, digging into the skin, it let me know I was doing everything right…

Yeah, that's why I was mad at myself. I gave into my needs with Jade for the very first time. That's taken care of, but do I really feel any better knowing what could happen? I couldn't be sure if she'd try to ask for more than what transpired last night again. It was still likely.

As I've said before, I'm over relationships. All I want is the fun that comes with hooking up and not being attached. Does no one do that anymore? Fuck. It's like when I wanted to start something with someone, it went downhill, as in I wasn't enough so they wanted to just screw around, stray from anything serious. Now it's reversed. I want nothing serious whatsoever, but everyone wants to be in a relationship. I'm just no longer that girl.

And I think she finally got that. There she went—Jade—walking through the halls. She stopped momentarily to stare at me. I was so much better at reading her through her eyes now, because the non-verbal message she'd sent me was, _I'm truly sorry I hurt you. But I'm determined to not give up on you or us, on what we could be. You're scared now, but you don't have to be. Whenever you're ready, I'll be waiting for you._

Then she went away.

I don't know. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to give anything more than just the physical aspect and move on to an emotional one. Jade will always be a reminder of that.

I'm Tori Vega, and I don't live in the carefree world everyone seems to think I do, this is me hurting on the inside.

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 **A/N: Well, this was like no real story in particular as you could see. I just wanted to write Tori in a way we might not be used to seeing. I was thinking that if one were to just sit down and talk to her like she were being interviewed, she'd say something like this. It's all a rant/observation of hers and she's somewhat confused because a part of her wants something with someone, but what's the point when it's only going to end badly? Why go through the trouble of being with someone and involve emotions when you can have the satisfaction of sex only with someone who's not there to connect on that emotional level? She had a good friendship going with Jade and she didn't want to complicate it further by starting a relationship with her (especially after being tugged in all directions), but Jade wasn't exactly making it easier for her, you know? The one person you want so badly but shouldn't start anything with because it's messy. Some would argue that it's what everyone in life goes through (so boo hoo), and others would argue—why would one want to be like everyone else when they don't have to? If they can do something about it, then they will, even if it seems really difficult at first.**

 **I'm totally going on and on guys lol, so I'll just leave it at that. Review if you please.**


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